if only i can...

what a day...
i had a bad day today.
well, i feel sick and all but i have no choice but go to school.
last night i kept thinking bwt you. if only i can be really drunk then maybe the moment my back touches my bed,ill be asleep already.
i've been thinking, can i really handle this. is this what i want..do i have a choice...
i don't know. you have told me many times before, there is nothing i can do...WHY?
all i know os that you don't want to hurt her but its okay to hurt me. you don't want to see her cry but its okay to make me cry. you don't wana see her sad but its okay to make me sad. WHY? because she makes you happy and i don't. because she loves you so much and i dont. because she's always there for you and i'm not. because your family likes her and they don't like me a bit. WHY? because maybe you don't really love me. maybe you just don't want to hurt me. maybe if i don't know much i can move on easily. maybe if you lie to me ill be okay. maybe i don't mean to you. maybe you are just like them who thinks of me not good enough. well..........maybe or maybe not. al i know is that i miss you so much. i want to walk now but you won't be there to walk with me. i want to cry and talk about something but you won't be there to comfort and listen to me. you said you have to be sad on your own now, coz i will no longer be there beside you...have you thought about me... when im sad, whose gonna be there ...
i hate you for not wanting me to be with you. i hate moments like this when i can't do anything when i misses you this much. is this love, well im starting to hate it. i want to believe in it no more. to shut it out of my life....to wake up each day not feeling anything. how i wish i can...
"IF ONLY
I
CAN..."