hahahaha

thank God, naopen ko din siya ulit.
hahahahahaha, baliw baliw kasi ako.
last time gustong gusto ko magsulat, di ko ito mabuksan.
nways, saka na lng ulit kasi andami dami ko gagawin later..
i miss writing, hehehe...

it is better to have loved and lost, than never love at all...
a year have passed and the pain is still there.
killing me every night, a heartache that is felt by my whole body.
it's like bone cancer, they say is the most painful of all among its kind.
i used to believe that as a girl, u shoudn't beg for someone to come back if he choses to leave.
but i was wrong. if its true love,

if you really knew in your heart

that you love that person with all your heart, mind and soul...
you don't mind doing the best you can to have him back...
even doing things that are against your principle, what you believe,
and what is right in the eyes of the people whose opinions truly affects you.
i may have endured different kinds of suffferings already,
well i can say that not being loved by the person you love so much is the most painful of all..
the time i've spent with him is the happiest moment of my life.
i don't know if ill ever love someone again the way i have loved him.
every day the pain grows, it's like it has a root of its own that tries
to penetrate the innermost part of my being.
sometimes telling me to stop and oftentimes telling me to go on.
just today, somebody told me that he loves me very much and asked me

if he can go and forever be gone.
it's only now that i've realized why he asked such..
it's as if the pain that he was carrying strucked me and surely,

it damn hutrs through the bone...
ive never had a friend like him but if letting him go

would help him ease the pain, i will.
actually i misses him at this very moment and i envy him so...
the courage it took him to do that, how i wish i have it too..
now i'm confused, don't know what to do and all.
if i leave, will he stop me from leaving or

will he do the same thing that i just did to my friend.
they say if you love someone, set him free.
if he comes back to you, he's yours.
if it doesn't, then it was never meant to be..
ever since i'm afraid to make big risks...
coz i'm afraid to fail and get badly wounded..
but now i guess this is different.
you are free now..
remember that i will always love you

and that i will never ever forget you..
maybe the line "happily ever after" just doesn't suit me.
again, it is better to have loved and lost, than never love at all..
i love you.

why

first time na saktan mo ako ng ganun..do you really have to text me like that. hay ewan, nway goodbye chess. ayoko na...
tapos gusto mo ko makita now na sure ka ng this is the last time..para ano, para saktan ulit ako. you want to give me something after mo ko saktan, para ano , para maalala lagi na sinaktan mo ko. sana if naging ok paghihiwalay natin, sige pero ang sabihan ako bwt be careful whose toes you are stepping today coz .... yaba ano un. ewan , i just can't believe na nagawa mo na itext sa akin ang ganun...tama na...

respect

time passed and naisip ko...bakit nga ba ganun ang mga tao. if angry, sad or is feeling something na di normal---can think of anything or do anything na that person doesn't usually do. people have treated me badly before, have said bad things about me, have hurt me and offended me----even if they don't know the real me. Dati, i used to regret not doing anything about it. Even after a certain event i would tell myself, i should have fought and have defended myself back then. But thinking about it again today, i'm glad i never fought back. People can say anything they want. Yes, they have hurt you, but if you know for yourself that you can handle it, then don't mind them. In the end, it will be you who will live at peace, with no worries and all. We have different ways of handling anger and fear. This is how i handle mine. Through writing, as if i'm the bravest person ever. But in reality, the only word that i can say is that you are "bad", funny but it's true. Siguro kung kaya ko manakit ng tao, na sometimes how i wish i can, kahit through words lang, siguro matagal ko ng ginawa. Pero hindi ko magawa coz i was raised as a very sensitive person. Kahit ako, gusto ko intindihin ang lahat. Minsan may mga bagay lang talaga na di ko kaya... Have you ever been to a situation na pakiramdam mo niloko ka ng lahat ng tao na hindi ka na dapat magtiwala no matter what, well ako oo. To the point na lahat gusto ko idamay o kung minsan naman gusto ko isisi sa isang tao lang at saktan ko siya ng sobra...pero hindi ko magawa, or ayaw kong gawin. Kasi ano mapapala ko pagkatapos, ala. In the end magsisisi lang ako coz i know na hindi ako ganun at dapat di ko ginawa ang ganun sa iba. Mahirap ipilit ang bagay na hindi talaga meant for you. Dun pumapasok iyong ala ka na lang iba pwede gawin kundi respetuhin kung anuman ang gusto nung tao para konti lang ang masaktan. Yes i'm hurting right now and kahit alam mo how to ease this pain...if di mo magawa or ayaw mo talaga gawin, at least let me grieve...if you literally can't do anything about it, then let it be...just DON'T do anything na lang. if i want to hurt somebody, i have all the resources to do it but i don't even bother to...all i'm asking is a little respect...if i can't lean on your shoulder then let me cry on my own, i may have said bad things about somebody coz i'm feeling so down right now and you can't be there to make me feel good again, then just let me hurt myself...after all, saying bad things to others through this will only hurt Nanette Ortiz in the end, di ba.. Funny...how easy it is for others to hurt someone..how i wish i can't feel a thing, then maybe evrything will be alright...again.

confusion...

i was far away for two days. kung hindi pa ako magparamdam, as if i don't exist. well it gave me enough time to think about things. kahit ganito ang nangyari sa akin, at first akala ko hindi ko na maibabalik ung dating nanette...
but i know myself that much, at times i may be so weak but i know how to deal with it. sometimes people say that it shouldn't be the case that i can't live without you. you know, i can live without you, i just don't want to. through words and deeds ive shown you how much i love you and how you mean to me..still i'm not enough.
habang nasa byahe, habang nasa bahay, naisip ko hindi ako ang may problema. kung ikukumpara ko ang sarili ko sa kanya, though i don't know her that much, i believe that i'm better than her. and still you chose her. hindi siya o ako ang issue dito kundi sa kung sino ang gusto mo. kong ano ang gusto mo more than anything else.
when i'm happy lagi mo sinisingitan na, "i know this is not for long"... from the very start you already knew what you want with your life, and i, i will end up with nothing.. sabi ko don't let other people control you, it seems now that i'm the one being controlled by the situation. being with you, seeing you happy makes me happy. kaw? being with her, making her happy makes you happy. i think i'm missing something here. sabi nga ni mama. darating na lang yan ng hindi mo inaasahan.
kasi bakit may iba, na kahit paulit ulit mo ng saktan, since they knew well enough what they want, they never give up. minsan i find them pathetic and minsan naman natutuwa and hinahangaan ko sila. tapos bigla ko naisip, parang ganun yata ako ngayon, pero pathetic lang, hehehe. one year, i've been norturing this feeling on my own. hoping and wishing that it will bear fruits, be healthy and live longer. but i alone cannot make a plant grow healthy if may mga needs ito na hindi lang ako ang pwede magbigay..
sad kapag hindi mo mahanap kung ano ang makakapagpataba sa plant na inaalagaan mo. may something sa kanya na hindi mo makita sa akin and i believe may something sa akin na hindi mo makita sa kanya. still, you can live without me and without her you can't....now, what am i doing? waiting for a miracle, hahahaha. ganito na ako , ito na ako.. i am not perfect, no one is, but i believe i can be perfect in ones eyes kapag mahal niya ako. i guess di pa dumarating ang tao na iyon.
many times i've told you how much i love you, your ups and downs and all...but you don't love me for who i am. i will never be enough, i know. kahit siguro ano ang gawin ko, i will never be,because hindi ako ang hinahanap mo. sad to say but its true.
you know what, i took chess class for you. i want you to be proud of me. well i don't know if it still matter now. lately, i want to be proud of myself na kaya ko manalo over kahit sa isang guy lang, ang saya siguro ng pakiramdam ng ganun,hehehe.
now na aalis na si rhea, at gusto ko na ring umalis, you have all the time na to spend with her. wala ng rhea na magtatampo kapag di ka nakapunta at wala na ring nanette na kahit hindi mo lang matext nagtatampo na agad. minsan hindi ko alam if gusto mo rin ba akong makita o dahil iyon ang gusto ko. now hindi mo na kailangang magsinungaling, think of excuses why you can't do this and you can't do that...
ilang araw na lang. one year to be exact na...feeling ko more than two years kita naging boyfriend because kahit nawala ka, hindi kita tuluyang pinaalis sa buhay ko. i never gave up on you. minsan ayaw ko sumuko pero now iba ang nakikita ko. parang everyone including you is telling me now to stop. because this whole thing is pointless and all.
for the last time, i will tell you that i love you. that even if i can live without you, if given the chance, i will choose not to coz i really don't want to. i need you in my life but if you don't feel tha same thing, so be it...at least ive tried and ive told you what i really feel.
don't bother with any closure or whatsoever, i no longer want you to see me cry... i no longer want to cry or to be seen by others crying.

thank you

thank you.. you didn't know how sad i was today. but you know what, it amazes me a lot.. just looking at someones face, no matter how sad you are...nawawala lahat ng sadness mo.. naiiyak ako pero di ko magawa kanina..mixed emotions...basta...kahit mukhang ngarag na ngarag ka, ok lng...kahit ano pa itsura mo, ang importante nakita kita...thank you..

if only i can...

what a day...
i had a bad day today.
well, i feel sick and all but i have no choice but go to school.
last night i kept thinking bwt you. if only i can be really drunk then maybe the moment my back touches my bed,ill be asleep already.
i've been thinking, can i really handle this. is this what i want..do i have a choice...
i don't know. you have told me many times before, there is nothing i can do...WHY?
all i know os that you don't want to hurt her but its okay to hurt me. you don't want to see her cry but its okay to make me cry. you don't wana see her sad but its okay to make me sad. WHY? because she makes you happy and i don't. because she loves you so much and i dont. because she's always there for you and i'm not. because your family likes her and they don't like me a bit. WHY? because maybe you don't really love me. maybe you just don't want to hurt me. maybe if i don't know much i can move on easily. maybe if you lie to me ill be okay. maybe i don't mean to you. maybe you are just like them who thinks of me not good enough. well..........maybe or maybe not. al i know is that i miss you so much. i want to walk now but you won't be there to walk with me. i want to cry and talk about something but you won't be there to comfort and listen to me. you said you have to be sad on your own now, coz i will no longer be there beside you...have you thought about me... when im sad, whose gonna be there ...
i hate you for not wanting me to be with you. i hate moments like this when i can't do anything when i misses you this much. is this love, well im starting to hate it. i want to believe in it no more. to shut it out of my life....to wake up each day not feeling anything. how i wish i can...
"IF ONLY
I
CAN..."