confusion...

i was far away for two days. kung hindi pa ako magparamdam, as if i don't exist. well it gave me enough time to think about things. kahit ganito ang nangyari sa akin, at first akala ko hindi ko na maibabalik ung dating nanette...
but i know myself that much, at times i may be so weak but i know how to deal with it. sometimes people say that it shouldn't be the case that i can't live without you. you know, i can live without you, i just don't want to. through words and deeds ive shown you how much i love you and how you mean to me..still i'm not enough.
habang nasa byahe, habang nasa bahay, naisip ko hindi ako ang may problema. kung ikukumpara ko ang sarili ko sa kanya, though i don't know her that much, i believe that i'm better than her. and still you chose her. hindi siya o ako ang issue dito kundi sa kung sino ang gusto mo. kong ano ang gusto mo more than anything else.
when i'm happy lagi mo sinisingitan na, "i know this is not for long"... from the very start you already knew what you want with your life, and i, i will end up with nothing.. sabi ko don't let other people control you, it seems now that i'm the one being controlled by the situation. being with you, seeing you happy makes me happy. kaw? being with her, making her happy makes you happy. i think i'm missing something here. sabi nga ni mama. darating na lang yan ng hindi mo inaasahan.
kasi bakit may iba, na kahit paulit ulit mo ng saktan, since they knew well enough what they want, they never give up. minsan i find them pathetic and minsan naman natutuwa and hinahangaan ko sila. tapos bigla ko naisip, parang ganun yata ako ngayon, pero pathetic lang, hehehe. one year, i've been norturing this feeling on my own. hoping and wishing that it will bear fruits, be healthy and live longer. but i alone cannot make a plant grow healthy if may mga needs ito na hindi lang ako ang pwede magbigay..
sad kapag hindi mo mahanap kung ano ang makakapagpataba sa plant na inaalagaan mo. may something sa kanya na hindi mo makita sa akin and i believe may something sa akin na hindi mo makita sa kanya. still, you can live without me and without her you can't....now, what am i doing? waiting for a miracle, hahahaha. ganito na ako , ito na ako.. i am not perfect, no one is, but i believe i can be perfect in ones eyes kapag mahal niya ako. i guess di pa dumarating ang tao na iyon.
many times i've told you how much i love you, your ups and downs and all...but you don't love me for who i am. i will never be enough, i know. kahit siguro ano ang gawin ko, i will never be,because hindi ako ang hinahanap mo. sad to say but its true.
you know what, i took chess class for you. i want you to be proud of me. well i don't know if it still matter now. lately, i want to be proud of myself na kaya ko manalo over kahit sa isang guy lang, ang saya siguro ng pakiramdam ng ganun,hehehe.
now na aalis na si rhea, at gusto ko na ring umalis, you have all the time na to spend with her. wala ng rhea na magtatampo kapag di ka nakapunta at wala na ring nanette na kahit hindi mo lang matext nagtatampo na agad. minsan hindi ko alam if gusto mo rin ba akong makita o dahil iyon ang gusto ko. now hindi mo na kailangang magsinungaling, think of excuses why you can't do this and you can't do that...
ilang araw na lang. one year to be exact na...feeling ko more than two years kita naging boyfriend because kahit nawala ka, hindi kita tuluyang pinaalis sa buhay ko. i never gave up on you. minsan ayaw ko sumuko pero now iba ang nakikita ko. parang everyone including you is telling me now to stop. because this whole thing is pointless and all.
for the last time, i will tell you that i love you. that even if i can live without you, if given the chance, i will choose not to coz i really don't want to. i need you in my life but if you don't feel tha same thing, so be it...at least ive tried and ive told you what i really feel.
don't bother with any closure or whatsoever, i no longer want you to see me cry... i no longer want to cry or to be seen by others crying.